I had every intention of immediately journaling about my wonderful, natural childbirth. I really did! But when things didn't go my way (or actually went exactly the opposite) I just couldn't bring myself to talk or write about it for a long time. I think it was a full month before I could have a really short conversation with someone about it without crying my eyes out.
Let me stop here to take a moment to say that July 16th was the best day of my life. But in many other ways, it's something that I've had to 'mourn' as well. And I know that there are only a handful of women who understand this feeling and I'm fine with that. If you want to judge me - you'll do it whether I like it or not.
So yes, I have a wonderfully healthy and beautiful baby boy! He's my everything and I'm so terribly attached to him that it makes my heart ache to have to go to work during the week. And while our journey together through pregnancy was pretty great.... our labor was a true trial. His birth taught me so much.
I went with a midwifery group in the hopes that I'd have an intervention-free labor and birth. If I could've had things my way - I would've had a homebirth. But I respected my husband's reservations and compromised by going to a hospital that had birthing 'suites' where you could deliver in a tub. So the pregnancy went really well and I enjoyed seeing my midwives for checkups. That is, until my very last prenatal visit. I was 8 days overdue and was scheduled for an ultrasound to check on the placenta. I always knew that I'd go over my due date..... it's pretty 'normal' for a first time mom to see her due date come and go with no baby to show for it. But I just really 'knew' that I was going to be baking my little one for a bit longer than the norm.
My baby was never big on moving in utero. He moved here and there but he slept a whole lot. There was never any alarm during my entire pregnancy because we were both healthy and his heartbeat was perfect. Well - apparently it turns into a "your baby could die" situation when people want to talk you into an induction. So yeah, my baby only moved a tiny bit during his last ultrasound - and his cord was around his neck, twice. Those 2 things might have been just fine..... but he was also estimated at 9 lbs 9 oz and that's what sent my midwives into a tizzy. And they actually did pull the 'dead baby' card on me. So Mike and I agreed to the induction after unsuccessfully trying to convince them to let me just go home for the night to relax. And they agreed to let me have dinner that night! HAH!
Yeah..... my dinner was chicken broth and an ice pop. Suck on that one!
Fast forward one full night of Pitocin and nothing has happened (not even any sleeping on my part). A different midwife came in the morning to check on me. She washed her hands and immediately got ready to give me a pelvic exam. Well - good morning to you, too! The exam she gave me was the most physical one I've had in my life and I truly do feel that I was abused in some way. I was sobbing through the entire thing and trying to push her off..... but she kept at it and got snippy with me because I was making her job tough. The result? She broke my water with her hand. That's right! She didn't use one of those nice little poking tools because she knew I wouldn't agree to having my water broken. Instead - she did it herself without asking. She claimed it was "spontaneous" and that's what was put into my records. But I call bullshit.
After that, I HAD to deliver my baby within 48 hours.
So after over 30 hours of laboring without pain meds, my baby wasn't any closer to coming out (even though I was 7 cm dilated). And his heart rate was so steady that it actually surprised the OB that was on call. Usually a baby's heart rate will drop a bit during contractions. But not MY baby. It was almost as if he wasn't really bothered at all by my laboring nonsense and he was just sleeping away in my womb. I really believe that it just wasn't his time yet. But the midwives will swear that it's because of how big he was. So at 5:57pm on July 16th, my baby was born via c-section. And yes, he was large! He weighed 9 lbs 8 oz and was extremely healthy.
Whenever people hear that I had a large baby, they immediately think that it's a good thing I had a c-section. And I guess a lot of women wouldn't want to push a large baby out of their nether regions. But I'm not your typical gal - I'd take a natural, spontaneous childbirth over a c-section any day!
And one thing I'll never forget about July 16th.... at around 3pm.... My husband hugged and sobbed with me over my disappointment. But almost 3 hours later, we were smiling and on cloud nine!
I've pulled through a ton of emotions and have made it to the other side.
